The following are verbatim quotes from the men interviewed in A Few Good Men: Increasing the Masculine Presence

Phoenix Respondent 1.2b: “Ultimately, I think it’s the woman’s decision. I don’t think it’s an issue. I think it’s a woman’s decision to make that choice.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “At the end of the day, I think it is a woman’s choice. They would respect that. And, you know, if they want to have the child, all you can do is be the best dad that you can be. If you’ve talked it over, you’ve given them time already. But you cannot impose your will on that lady or that woman. You’re at their will. It’s their body, their choice. So, I think the best thing you could do is if they decide to have the child, do what you can to be the best dad that you can be and provide for her and the child.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.3b: “It’s heartbreaking and disappointing. But in the end, it’s her decision. And if she chooses not to carry the child, and there’s no heartbeat, and there’s no gender, and it’s premature, they should have a right to make that decision, even though it is disappointing them for the male. But no one should force someone to do something they don’t want to do.” 

“I also felt like, who am I to tell her what to do?” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3a: “I feel like at the end of the day, I guess, regardless of what people are saying or what they think, it should be your choice at the end of it all. It’s your body. I wouldn’t feel comfortable if I flipped the script and it was like, ‘Oh, I’m not allowed to make a decision for myself.’” 

Orlando Respondent 2.1b: “I think that, yes, the woman should have primary authority when it comes to that and the freedom to make the decisions that she intends to make.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “That’s their decision. It’s not a decision that I’m making for them. I’m not telling them what to do. It’s like if they break the law, that’s their thing. That doesn’t have to do anything to do with me, if you see what I’m saying.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2a: “[Abortion] one of those things where it’s not up to me. I would just have to go with it.”  

Denver Respondent 1.3b: “Honestly, because that’s her life. It’s not on me…She could do it [have an abortion]. Anyone could do it if they want. I mean, unless it’s to an extent where it’s being abused.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.1b: “I understand that’s extremely hard for him because that’s still his child. You feel that connection to it. That’s a spiritual connection. But as a man, we don’t go through the pregnancy. So, it’s hard to say they should be able to control that.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3a: “Obviously, it’s a two-person process, but at the same time, there’s a lot more in my head as far as the woman side for the pregnancy birth and everything. So, if they’re nervous about it or unsure, I leave it up to the woman.” 

Denver Respondent 2.3b: “I do believe that the person who’s carrying the baby should definitely be able to speak up and say what they want because it is their body that they will have to be dealing with for nine months.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2b: “I wasn’t the person that was going to have to physically go through labor.” 

“It wasn’t really my choice to make the decision. I believe it’s not my body. I believe it’s a woman’s choice to make that decision.” 

Denver Respondent 2.2a: “I want her to have bodily autonomy. I wanted her to think about it. I told her that.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “It’s pretty tough because as a male, we also want to have a say so. But I’m not the one or we’re not the one who are carrying a child for nine months. So it’s complicated. It’s different. It’s difficult.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2b: “Because ultimately, it’s not the man having the child, it’s the woman. One can have their input, but ultimately, it’s the one having the child who’s going to have it or not.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2a: “So that goes into the before the fact discussion. But once the baby exists, it’s not mine to produce. So, it’s not like 50/50. And I think when it comes time for the woman to go through the hardship for pregnancy, that’s her decision and not the father’s. But I think fathers ought to have a say, but not the say.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.1b: “If she truly doesn’t want it, there’s not much you can do other than keep telling her you want the baby because at the end of the day, you don’t have the baby in your stomach.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2a: “Once the baby exists, it’s not mine to produce. So it’s not like 50/50. And I think when it comes time for the woman to go through the hardship for pregnancy, that’s her decision and not the father’s. But I think fathers ought to have a say, but not the say.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2a: “…we don’t experience birth. We don’t experience the changes in our bodies. We don’t experience the chemical imbalances that you get or the mood swings, or the postpartum, or the weight gains. That stuff is the depression that comes on to women after children. Some people don’t want upon their lives. As a man, we don’t do that part. And so why should it have to be us that get a say so in that?” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “I’m not a barbarian. No, she’s just as much a person as I am, and she’s carrying the child, so I have less say than her. I think that is. That is a clear fact in my mind. I don’t feel maybe again, maybe it’s just because I have a different sense of respect for other people’s ideas and opinions than some other people might have. Again, I would try to again, make her see my view, but I’m not going to force anyone to do anything. That’s not, that’s not who I am.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.2: “In my mind, I try to wrap around a way that you can have it where the man has a say in that choice, and I just…I can’t reconcile with a way that takes away the rights to the woman in that process.” 

Denver Respondent 2.3b: “It’s heartbreaking and disappointing. But in the end, it’s her decision. And if she chooses not to carry the child, and there’s no heartbeat, and there’s no gender, and it’s premature, they should have a right to make that decision, even though it is disappointing them for the male. But no one should force someone to do something they don’t want to do.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “Because that’s their decision…It’s not a decision that I’m making for them. I’m not telling them what to do. It’s like if they break the law, that’s their thing. That doesn’t have to do anything to do with me, if you see what I’m saying. It doesn’t… And then that and also me personally, I don’t like other people trying to tell me what to believe or what to think.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1a: “I think that having that choice to give the child a valuable upbringing and welcoming upbringing is much better for the world than the opposing way and being forced just because kids are young and dumb.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2b: “But again, it’s not like I’m some psychopath that’s going to try to force her to make a decision with her body. I don’t think that that’s correct at all on several levels, legally, morally, emotionally.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.2: “I guess you can, as a father, or potentially be a father, you have a opinion and part of a say in it, but that can all be overridden by the mother.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “And all I could do is try to convince her. But whatever she says, she gets.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.3b: “To an extent, it’s sad. It doesn’t make any man feel good that they can’t… That they want something and they can’t, especially that far out with the pregnancy.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3b: “It’s because it’s more so like, you really don’t have a choice. I mean, you can be mad all you want, but at the end of the day, you would have to, quote, unquote, respect what I choose to do. But your support is definitely appreciated regardless. She didn’t say that, but I can tell her body language and how we spoke about it after the fact that that’s what she was saying.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “I was upset because I wanted to have the baby, even though we weren’t planning on having a baby. And I felt that she had already made the decision, and it was a fast decision.” 

“She told me in the parking lot that she was [getting an abortion], and that’s when she immediately said that I have to call my parents and tell them that I am and tell them that I don’t want to have it and discuss it with them. And completely pushed me away from even the decision by going directly to her parents.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “What about something like, you know, in terms of the man, you know, paying, you know, support. Child support for the child in terms of, you know, the fact that he has to do that, but he doesn’t necessarily have a say in the decision.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1a: “…there would pretty much be nothing I could do about it because the dads don’t really get a say in the matter.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1a: “I don’t think he has any final input.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2a: “Well, even to this day, I don’t think there really is any role as far as a man is concerned… So, I think nowadays, what’s the saying? A woman has right to her body or woman’s body, woman’s right. There’s some phrase that’s like on the lines of that. But I don’t think it’s anything that a man can legally interfere with. So, I think after conception, I think it’s all on the women, whether she wants one, doesn’t want one, how she wants to do it. I don’t think that man has any, to my knowledge, any legal power over that.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3b: “But I think for something so major like that, you guys should be able to come together and either make a decision together or both know just where are you laying and what your opinions are on it.”  

Denver Respondent 2.3b: “I mean, we both should have a say. But I do believe that the person who’s carrying the baby should definitely be able to speak up and say what they want because it is their body that they will have to be dealing with for nine months.” 

[00:46:37.380] Denver Respondent 2.1b: “I feel like it’s both people’s issue because they’re the people that had sex together and worked together and made the choice to not wear a condom or to be responsible…risk that possibility. That’s always a possibility. So why, if you’re both part of that situation and both have a piece in making a baby, should it be all on the women versus the male? That should be a decision for both.” 

[00:47:55.24] “…I mean, it has to be a mutual feeling also….It is jacked up because a man should also be able to make the decision also. Look, like I said, I do believe that a woman definitely should be able to speak up for their bodies.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.1b: “I believe a man should also have a say so, and if the baby goes or doesn’t because it’s him to not… Now, do I think the girl gets most of a say yes, because they’re the one who’s going to birth it. They’re probably going to be the one who takes care of it most of the time. So, they should have a huge say so in it. But a man, what if that’s his only chance to continue his bloodline? There’s just many instances where a man should be able to help choose. Now, yet again, I still think a girl should have a majority of to say so.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3a: “If you were the one that had gotten her pregnant, whoever it is, I feel that there is a little bit more responsibility to have that conversation, go about it. But in my head, at the end, I feel like it is a little bit of her choice. So, where I said, I will lean a little bit more towards that. But I do believe it should be at least a conversation had.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.3b: “But I would still stick with my own belief that if she wanted to get one or not, I would respect the decision after giving her. If it was me, I would chat with her about it, see if we can come to a mutual understanding on the choice. And ultimately, it would still be her choice from my perspective.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.1: “As with who should be the leader in a relationship and being told that I wasn’t in such a position, But to then have my thoughts on the matter be totally disregarded and to be moving the other direction away from lifelong commitment to ending life. That just told me all the wrong things about where the future could be and everything to that, regarding that.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.2b: “I don’t think it’s strictly a women’s issue because it takes a man and a woman to create that.”  

Denver Respondent 1.1b: “I don’t think it is just a woman’s issue. I think we can, as in my situation, hide on that idea. But I think I think it’s everyone’s issue. And I don’t think anyone can hide from it.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “Abortion is definitely a woman’s issue, but there are lines that can be crossed that make it a man’s issue, and that make it both the parents’ issues as well.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.1b: “Honestly, I think that’s crazy, especially in a world that has child support. Biologically, there has to be a man in the picture for the woman to become pregnant…So that already puts guys in the picture. Obviously, there are people who don’t take responsibility. That will always be a reality. Not everybody will take responsibility for those things. But it doesn’t mean that men have nothing to do with it. It doesn’t mean that it’s just a woman’s problem.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.3a: “The way I look at it, it’s a humanity issue to where you’re killing God’s children. So that’s a humanity issue. Not that’s not necessarily a woman issue.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1a: “I think to say abortion is just a woman’s issue would almost be the same as saying having children is just a woman’s issue, and I think that’s not really a fair statement. I mean, there’s a lot that goes into it, right? Because physically, yes, technically – an abortion is just a woman’s issue. However, there’s a partnership. In theory, there’s a partnership that led up to this, whether it was a hookup culture thing or an actual partnership. In some form, there was some conversation that went into this.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2a: “I think women have a disproportionate amount of perceived responsibility for becoming pregnant, and I don’t think that’s fair because it takes two to tango in that situation.”  

Dallas Respondent 2.1a: “You both got on the bed and you had sex and created something, or something you both did. So, yeah, I really don’t believe it’s just her issue.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.2b: “But as far as a male, I’m saying, “Oh, it’s a woman’s problem,” I think that’s unfair because a woman cannot create that on her own. Obviously, there’s unfortunate acts of assault, but in a normal situation when it’s a male, a female; in my situation, we’ve been together for five years. It’s very consensual, very healthy. For me in that scenario, to say, “Well, it’s her—it’s a woman’s issue.” That’s extremely selfish. We share a house together. That’s not just her problem.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1a: “No, it’s a partner issue.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1a: “For the most part it is a woman issue, except for men who have to make a difficult choice such as the partner or financial situation. Here, let me, let me see if I can be more detailed about that. What I was trying to say is basically it’s mostly a woman issue, except when it’s kind of tied into their partner and anything in the future.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.3a: “I mean, you’re involved, too. It’s not whatever she wants to do. It’s whatever we want to do. Whatever we can do as a man and a woman. A child that’s created from both of you doing something. So, it’s not whatever she wants to do. It’s whatever the natural course is, which is we’ll get through it.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2a: “And about the blame part, I think women have a disproportionate amount of perceived responsibility for becoming pregnant, and I don’t think that’s fair because it takes two to tango in that situation.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “Responsibilities. A lot of people don’t walk around with responsibility. They don’t even hold their self accountable for a thing as that they plainly do. When you have a child, those responsibility levels and those accountability levels, they go up because you have to.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “I believe that’s the most important for something as large as pregnancy and being in parenthood. Because parenthood, it doesn’t work well when one of the parties is not involved.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2b: “One is we can keep this going on and have a life to ourselves, or we can really lock down and now have to really be here for one another. For life, really. It’s a life promise.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3a: “It was an equal share. It was a parents’ role, not divided between man and woman. So, as I see it, they’re the same. It’d be a shared role or at least an equal role between the two.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1a: “There’s always going to be a two-part process. And so based on that alone, you’re going to have to share equal responsibility for anything up into having a kid or any choices you guys make. You’re going to have to share that burden one way or another.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1a: “In that part, it does. It should have been a team effort because we’re talking about a kid here in some ways, future and life.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “I feel it took two people to make the kid. And like I said, as I’m older, you have to understand their responsibilities on both ends.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “So once I realized what was going through my mind, what was going on or what was happening, I was ecstatic. I was happy. Because I was going to be a dad…I was scared. I was scared. Then I started thinking, Oh, my goodness, did I make a mistake? Because I did enjoy being like, I have no responsibilities of having a child. I could do whatever I want to whenever I want to thing. And now that was going to change… hopefully I’m going to mature a little bit.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.2a: “It just threw me for a very big loop. I was not expecting that. It was just a shocker, really. The first thought, I hate to say it this way, but I was like, ‘It can’t be mine. I’m way too young to be a father. I can’t do this. I’m still super immature.’ I knew in the back of my head, I was very immature. I struggle a lot in the back of my head with financial insecurity. So, even if I am well off, it doesn’t… Still in the back of my head, I have these insecurities. So, to me, I’m like, I was not ready. I wasn’t feeling very confident at that time.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3b: “I’m feeling very shocked. I’m feeling ecstatic. I’m feeling nervous. Yeah, I’m feeling all those three right there…” 

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “I was in panic, and I was freaking out, and trying to clear my mind to… I was saying all sorts of stuff to myself. No, maybe this is not happening…” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.3a: “I was happy. I’m all for the baby.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.1a: Some excitement versus shock. 

Orlando Respondent 1.3a: “[I was] taken back a little bit. Shocked, taken back, surprised, scared…”  

“Yeah, I was anxious, excited, just happy. I just knew that it was going to… Now, we just said, this whole new life we were starting. It’s like beginning of a new chapter. Now we have somebody else that’s going to be depending on us. Something else to love on, too.” 

Denver Respondent 2.3b: “I felt happy. I felt like I would do what I needed to do to take care of him, always be in his life.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “I felt that I don’t know if I wanted… I feel like I wanted more, maybe, from her. At that point, it was just like, why is she just being so blunt about… We had this conversation in her bed, and she was so emotional and so upset that I wasn’t part of the decision, and we’re going to have this child together. And then, now she’s very blunt and direct in the amount of her life, and she’s just doing this, and we’re never going to talk again. So, I was thinking about, how is she doing that? Is this fake? And is this for real? And this is really going to happen? And is she going to change her mind before the appointment? So How can you… How can those emotions change so fast? And is there something that she wants me to say back to her? Does she want me to change her mind? So a lot of… A lot of that, I want to say. Or should I just not say anything and just let her go and have lunch with her and just be like, ‘Okay, thank you for coming. And I appreciate you being so strong and being in front with me.’” 

Denver Respondent1.1b: “I mean, I would just say a ton of mixed emotions, I think. And maybe that’s even a time to be honest and open about that with the woman. And express your confusion and how hard it is for you to make that decision. And maybe that would help both of you with making a joint decision or even with her sharing her opinion if it is difficult for her.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “…think I would tell her, again, I respect that decision, but I’d like to discuss it a little further. I wouldn’t want to come to any rush decision as this would drastically again affect either of our lives. So, I would just try to, you know, have the conversation again. Make sure, like we’re not getting…tension isn’t raising too much. You know, when we’re both in a more sound mind, have a more kind of like thought out discussion about, ‘okay, we want to have this child, do you feel like we can provide for this child?’ Like, do you like what I would be asking her? Kind of like, you know, like more long-term plan on that and on that route because I feel like, you know, that would be very important to me at least.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1a: “Well, I would say—I got the man’s role in sex, but what’s the man role in the discussion on whether or not to have an abortion? Number one is going to have to be a supportive role because that’s your partner who is definitely going to be going through a very stressful time. And in theory, your partner should be supporting you as well because you should also be going through a very stressful time. But it’s going to have to be a conversation that is had between both parties. But really, at least for me personally, this is a conversation that should be had prior to this incident. This should not be the first time. This is getting brought up. If you were to ask me what my role in that conversation is, it starts well before this incident would have even occurred. For me personally, if I’m going on more than a few days with somebody, basically, if we broached conversation of, ‘Hey, sex when?’ Kind of thing. Then needs to come the conversation very shortly after his opinions on birth control, opinions on abortions, opinions on morning after pills, opinions on all of the above. I think it’s key to not be judgmental based on other people’s opinion on that, because everyone’s going to have a different opinion.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3b: “So, I’m home, and now we’re just joking back and forth about the situation, saying if we’re going to keep it, just having a dark sense of humor behind it. It’s nothing like in saying like, ‘Oh, my God, why would you say that?’ It’s just talking about the different things that come with having a kid. We were talking about our relationship together at that time and just I’m trying to make it a serious situation to figure out what we’re actually going to do. But this is maybe four or five days before we actually decide to take the pregnancy test.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3b: “I do think it’s important to know where everyone stands. If it’s obviously a relationship, I think it’s a conversation that should be had. I know for me, we’ve had it before, any scares or anything. And I think it’s just good to know where each of you lay on that spectrum. But it does get hard to have a conversation. But I feel like Obviously, everyone’s going to bicker over little things. But I think for something so major like that, you guys should be able to come together and either make a decision together or both know just where are you laying and what your opinions are on it.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “Sitting outside my mom’s apartment. Sometimes early December, and she was crying. She wanted an abortion. She wanted a Plan B. She wanted to try anything she could to get out of it. And I told her, said, Look, I said, I know you’re young and you don’t think it’s going to mess up your life, but I promise you, I am ready for my child. And I’m not saying that because you’re around. I’m saying that because I know where I’m mentally at and I know where I can financially be. And I told her, I said, ‘It would be okay, but you just got to trust in me.’ And I told her straight up, ‘I’m not going to try to take custody from you. I’m not going to do nothing. We can co-parent, and we can be good co-parents. There’s nothing wrong.’ If the world is listening to this, there’s nothing wrong with being a co-parent as long as you guys have boundaries that respect each other and your child. Truly. And that’s the only way it could ever work. And you got to have communication as well. Can’t just be talking at your baby mama’s house knowing she got a boyfriend over there and your son over there.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.1: “Yeah. I mean, in this case, I would want more of a consideration. In the end, she may make whatever decision she feel is best, but it seemed like she wasn’t hearing my side at all and considering the alternative, which was the thing that was more off-putting. Now, if we had a debate, we talked about it, we considered things we had gone through and had a more detailed discussion on the pros and cons of each side, things like that, then I would not have taken it so extremely… Even if she had done it, I wouldn’t have thought as extremely about it as I did if she had not considered any path to keeping the child, all the paths led to abortion. In her mind. Thankfully, it was not the case, and we didn’t have to go I don’t do that.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “I was protecting what I wanted and what I felt that I was ready for and that I truly wanted to handle and be a role model and a father…And I was also…at that point thinking, what an opportunity… I was thinking, what an opportunity for me to show love and care and responsibility, and that I may never be able to do again.”  

Orlando Respondent 2.2a: “I needed to improve my financial acumen for providing for the family. She made more money than I did at the time. And the same that I needed to be ready to… I think the clichés are like, build the crib and paint the room and whatever else. So, it came over me how much life was going to change.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.2a: “I’m going to have to take care of this person’s child or our child, not just this person….I have to take care of this person. And I’m going to have to definitely find something that is financially a good fit for me because having a child is not cheap. So, me thinking that I’m going to have a child like that is preparing myself for the future.” 

“It’s a strong sense of, am I in the right place? Am I doing the right thing? Things like that. Just am I doing the right thing? Am I here? What is this supposed to be here? Is this what I want to do? Just what is this journey that I’m about to partake in?… It makes me feel like I’m growing up. It makes I feel like this is what adulthood holds.” 

St. Louis Respondent 1.2: “Time to grow up…I was just feeling like, say if it’s true when it’s mine. Like I said, I was 90% sure that would be…So, I was just thinking like, ‘okay, it’s time to grow up and things in my life are going to change. As far as responsibility [goes]’.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “It’s a child. And it’s my child. And it’s my time to step up and do what my father didn’t do. And now it’s my time to be able to heal because I haven’t healed from my father passing in.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.3b: “I have compassion for men who want to be a father, and the woman does not want the child.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “Not at all.  I, again, was shocked, and I was trying to, I didn’t really figure out why she wasn’t happy at the time and why she was so angry. And kept on saying, ‘I’m not having a baby. I’m having an abortion.’”  

Phoenix Respondent 2.1a: “We talk for a while and then we argue and then we talk some more, and then she says she’ll think on it. And then I don’t hear from her for a day…That was one of the scariest times, like I said, because that was my kid. At least she said that. But it was my kid. I really don’t want to be a part of it if it was going to be aborted.” 

“It took a while for me to speak, but just are you sure that we want to consider abortion? I mean, there’s lots of other people that want a baby. I’m okay with adopting, I guess, because we’re very young. But I asked if we could keep it, if we could figure out how to find a way to raise her.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.3a: “[I] get up, try to give her a hug, but she’s already walking back towards the room with her friend. It looks like she was already angry. So, still trying to make positive comments like, ‘Hey, yeah, [the pregnancy news] it’s a good thing.’ But she had already retreated to the room.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “Kind of an anger face from her…[she is saying] ‘We’re not ready.’…[I’m telling her] ‘I love her and I can make everything work. Look what we have already. I’m working hard.’” 

St. Louis Respondent 1.1: “I didn’t have a father coming up, and so I didn’t have any men around me. I just knew that once I had my own family, I wanted to be the opposite of what I had. I wanted to be able to provide all the things that I would have wanted out of my father. And so for two years now, that’s what I’ve been trying to do. Just model myself after the person I envisioned I needed in my life.” 

“I just knew that once I had my own family, I wanted to be the opposite of what I had.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.3b: “I wish my father was more in my life, sadly. My father, even though he provided things for me for my entire life, he left my mother. They got divorced when I was six. And he was out of the country most of my childhood…I wish that he could have stayed and built and worked as his new life closer to when I was growing up. It would have been good for him to be, I would say, more supportive about my passions and interests in life.”  

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “My goal is to be a father, a dad, and a good one at that, because I didn’t have that. And that’s all I’m trying to do, is be the best father in the world.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “And when a lot of us don’t [have a father], we want to create something of our own that we can cherish and love and enjoy.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3b: “Although I was raised around women, and I’ve seen my mom and my grandmother pretty much [do everything]…it never really deterred me from wanting to get married or wanting to have my own family because I know how much I don’t want my mom and my grandmother to do those things. So, on the back end, if I do see myself being with a woman or trying to have a family, things of that nature, I know I don’t want her to have to work nearly as hard as my mom and my grandmother. You can do your thing, work hard, you know what I’m saying? Have your dreams, your goals, do what you want to do that makes you a woman. But you don’t have to do 100 % all the time because you have somebody who’s willing to take the 70 or to push the 70 when you only have to have 30 % in it. So, it makes, I would say, essentially lights a fire inside to make me want to do what they didn’t do.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “Because my father wasn’t there when I was growing up. I don’t understand how someone can miss all that in anyone’s life. I can’t explain the feeling.” 

“If it’s a deep-rooted thing, it’s just me because I didn’t have my dad.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1b: “So I’ve had to find how to do that proactively in a pure form within myself and with God, and learn how to correct my mistakes and ask for forgiveness when I do mess up and just continue to aim to be better and be more better than what he was….He was there for me the best he knew how. I just feel like he could have made better decisions, which I could and can, too. So, no disdain there or shunning him there, especially in his late spirit.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1a: “…at least have a talk face to face…whenever I have kids, just being, you know, there for them. Since I didn’t go through, you know, kind of the typical father experience, I’m not sure how, you know, I’m supposed to interact with, you know, my kids.” 

Denver Respondent 1.3b: “He’s been in prison my whole life. So, I was born in 1998, and then that was the year he got arrested and stuff…So, I have two older brothers. My oldest brother was five when that happened. So, they experienced him. I didn’t. So, I think that’s where it comes from when you were asking your ideal man, I don’t have a figure.” 

Denver Respondent 2.3b: “No proper evidence, no male figure, no one in the house that I felt paid enough attention.  I don’t know anything about him.  I didn’t know my father.  Supposedly, my dad committed suicide the night that my mom told him that she was pregnant.  I was born without a father. Mom was a drug addict. Grandma was a drug addict. I was raised by four women. I grew up on one of the most dangerous streets in Colorado. Overcame gang violence. That’s why I don’t trust too much of anything.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “It’s hard to say because there’s the man aspect of it. No one taught me how. I don’t know how to work on a car. I don’t know how to take care of a house, break things. I didn’t know how to change a tire until 18, some guy on the side of the road had to help me and show me. Society’s like, ‘Oh, man, you know how to do this and this?’ And some girls want that man that could take care of a house and protect her. And I didn’t know half that stuff growing up.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.1a: “Well, I definitely think it should have been better. For me, now he had three other kids, which I think he did a much better job. But for me, again, it was almost always just my mother and I, and then her family. Those moments where we spent time together, my dad and I and his family, those were good, positive moments. They probably just weren’t enough.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2a: “Just knowing from the faults. My dad was never there. I want to be there for my son.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “But there’s a lot of things that being in a situation where you don’t have a father or a mother or either parents like that can psychologically mess somebody up or build them strong. Because our fathers in the past generation, I don’t know if it was like a big old committee meeting where they were like, ‘No, we’re not going to be a part of our kids’ lives in this generation.’ But it was just an epidemic with fatherless child.” 

Denver Respondent 1.3a: “I guess my father left when I was really little, and my mother dated this really abusive man for a long time. You tell me- I don’t really want to relive any of that. I don’t want to- I could talk about now, later on. I believe that a father figure has a really important role in children’s lives. I didn’t really have that. I had a very hard life, but my friends and people I know that have had their dads now are equipped with a lot more skills and the necessary knowledge to navigate life nowadays.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.3a: “Yeah, I was anxious, excited, just happy. I just knew that it was going to… Now, we just said, this whole new life we were starting It’s like beginning of a new chapter. Now we have somebody else that’s going to be depending on us. Something else to love on, too.”  

Denver Respondent 1.1a: I remember the first time hearing my daughter’s heartbeat when I became a dad. It was euphoria. It was amazing. It’s one of the happiest days of my life, man. Just hearing that. That whoosh, that whooshing sound [heartbeat on the monitor].  

Orlando Respondent 2.3a: “It’s a great feeling. And experience-wise, it’s a good experience.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2b: “It makes me excited. Say again. It makes me feel excited. We’re both making a decision together that possibly to bring a child in this world.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “The moments of being able to see Reilly grow as a person and just have her smile and her excitement and her laughter, the way that she looks at me, the feeling of being dad, being her mentor, being her coach. She has so much love for me. Her hugs, her kisses, her cuddles, I mean, that right there is enough because when she goes back to her mom’s, the amount that I miss her, even though now I’ve included… I know I’ve added my wife, and I’ve added Everly, my 15-month-old, because she’s my first born, I still truly miss her every single day. It’s still hard to not even have her around with her sister. But, yeah, it’s the moments of her happiness that make me truly happy. And I’m just happy when I’m around her and spending time with her and I’m being able to show her love and my commitment and teaching her to grow, and being a dad figure to her.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “I think it’s a combination of both because ever since she got to the house, I took a big role in her and just the way that I did things. I always put her on the schedule, just everything throughout her childhood that I was very involved because I had an idea how I wanted her to be raised.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.3b: “I enjoy being with him. I enjoy every moment. I don’t really spend too much time with him because I’m always working. But when I don’t work, I’m constantly with him.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2a: “He doesn’t make a lot of money. He’s a teacher, but he was always there for his kid, his son, my friend. He was always spending time with his wife and spending… They worked out in the garden together, or they went to go work out together, date nights. Just the compassion that not only he showed for his wife and the leadership that he took under, still does, takes under his house.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “Being there for him, even when he’s mad at me or even anything, anything he’s going through, just make sure that he knows that I’m the shoulder that he could lean on and not be judged or looked at any way or any of that. Make sure I support him 110 % any of his dreams.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2b: “Just seeing smiles on your kids’ faces and seeing how proud they are that their parent is there at the soccer game and how much it boosts their confidence, and then seeing them turn around and make a goal winning goal or a game winning goal or something. Having their parents there along the sidelines made a big difference to me. It gave them that excitement to give them that drive to want to work harder. And seeing the results, it’s a really good feeling. Just being accountable and being proud of it and seeing the impact and the results you get from it and the happiness that you really get from seeing the development of your child and making accomplishments in school and playing soccer and just having that feeling of being proud of being a parent.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.1b: “It’s a little tough, but he was still always there for practices. He’d come straight from work in his suit and tie, go to my baseball practices. He’d coach a little bit. He’s always there for my games, no matter what happened. Just to see someone, like I said, be a man like that. I think that’s the role God gave us as men, to be the leader, to show that you can also provide for your family. Be there for your family. That’s probably the most manly thing you can do.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “I think it’s just, again, it’s just kind of like it’s what you do, you know, I don’t see a sense. Like, I mean, obviously, again, there are neglectful parents, but to me, it’s just like, that is just what you have to do, you know, it’s not. I respect my dad a lot because he never shied down from that responsibility. He took it. He took it on with full. You know, he took it on with enjoyment, you know, to an extent. You know, he’s felt like very. What’s the word? I want to say that was his role. He took it with pride. He took that. Took on that role of pride…Obviously, a lot of dads do that, but there are dads that don’t. There are a lot of stories of men who don’t really like to look after their children or neglectful or. My dad did everything he could to make sure we were safe, taken care of and seen.”

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “And then when I had my daughter, 50/50. I was my daughter. Work, daughter, work, daughter, playdates. And for seven years, I never honestly talked to another adult except for my mom or my brother. I never hung out with anybody. It was all family and work and to provide for my daughter. That’s all it was. It was just for Riley. This was exhausting. It was exhausting, to be honest. But again, it was a good exhausting because I love her and care for her, and she means the world to me, and it makes me feel good.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “Just this connection with this other person. That’s maybe the biggest thing. It’s a connection. It’s a connection that it’s hard to explain to other people who haven’t gone through it. It’s a deep connection. Like I said, it’s just hard to explain. Before her, there was nobody that I feel the same way as I do with my daughter. We just have a connection. In a sense, it’s because before I just took everything just as granted because it was not in front of me. So, I just lived life just because it’s normal life. Yeah, I was thinking for stuff. But when you see somebody else and you’re raising somebody else, then it’s a different perspective. So, I think it’s mostly about the perspective now that when you see somebody, you have this responsibility of this other human being. And then when you have this other perspective, that’s when you see things differently. And then that’s when I’m like, oh, my goodness, life is pretty fragile and it’s pretty beautiful.  Because kids are so innocent, and they’re just full of this joy they bring to my life and to her mom’s life and everybody around her, that it’s just a different view of everything…And I always thank God for this blessing. So, it makes me more thankful for just life in general.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1b: “[Fatherhood] makes me feel really good…It just brings me joy. I got to see it, I think it was yesterday or the day before I got home from work, and he’s sitting in his playpen, and I come around the corner, and instead of putting his hands up on the side of the playpen to stand up, he just stands straight up for a couple of seconds in the middle of his play pen. I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, you’re standing.’ I was like, ‘Good job.’ I’m clapping my hands, and he started clapping, too. He’s learned that in the last week or so. He understood that what he was doing was a good thing. It makes me really happy.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2b: “Just being accountable and being proud of it and seeing the impact and the results you get from it and the happiness that you really get from seeing the development of your child and making accomplishments in school and playing soccer and just having that feeling of being proud of being a parent. It took a couple years. My mom was probably seven years old when I really started seeing the impact of those results and how much it was affecting my mental health and my confidence and seeing that it had a positive impact on my life.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “I love being a father. I love my kids. It’s on my heart. I’m very involved. I do everything. It feels great to be at every event he does and every event that he does, whether it’s school or sports or anything. You don’t have to ask. I love to cheer him on. I love being in their lives.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.1: “It feels empowering. To purposely have a child. So yes, it’s fulfilling a part of purpose to be a fruitful, multiply and fulfilling part of your purpose.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3a: “Satisfaction and a complete feeling [about having a child]. It’s not a satisfaction in myself or anything that I’ve done, like with having or raising them, but just a satisfaction with the world.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3b: “I guess it’s important in the sense of it’d be good to see your kids growing up. It’d be good to see the people that you’re raising them to be come into. It’s almost be putting more positivity, I guess, in the world, potentially, on how you raise your kids. Obviously, nothing’s ever perfect, but I think, I guess, in my head, it’s just a joy. The idea of being able to raise kids and have a family was important to me. I guess joy would be my That thing would be it make me happy to see them go through, I guess, life and see the experiences and stuff that they get to go through.” 

Denver Respondent 2.3b: “I have a purpose, and my kids mean the most to me. I feel good about being a dad.” 

St. Louis Respondent 1.1: “I mean, it’s fulfilling to be a father and a husband and try to be a good father and a good husband. I try very hard to make sure that I’m attentive and that I am a provider.” 

Denver Respondent 2.3a: “He left legacy, and I also want to leave legacy because when he passed on, all the good words came out from people. I think it’s not just about just living here. I think it’s also about leaving a legacy and changing people’s lives. It makes me feel purposeful. It makes me feel like if I do that, it will change people’s heart, just the way it has made me feel. I feel I’m a better person, so I can also to make people around me, especially my kids and unborn kids, better people.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2a: “I would like for my progeny to look back and say, ‘Oh, my dad was a person of good character. He did these things to better the world, or he strived to be improving himself, or he worked hard to get an education, or he found a job that he really loved, whatever those good traits are.’ And not look back and say, ‘Oh, there was times that my dad was short-tempered with me, or there’s times that his room was a mess, or whatever, those bad qualities.’ And not take on, say, ‘Oh, I don’t have to pick up after myself because my dad’s room is a mess,’ for example.” 

“I described during when we were chatting that I’m the fifth and my son’s the sixth with all the same name. So as the fifth in the line, it would be disappointing not to perpetuate it to the next generation and let things die off with me.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2a: “And so, there’s a certain amount of burden to being responsible for how the next… How I carry myself and how the next generation does. But I think more the legacy has to do with needing to achieve something. And that’s not always easy to do.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “Knowing that I could possibly be a reason, a lineage, create a big tree. That would be cool.” 

“It’s exciting because I don’t know what the future holds. And hopefully, whenever I start, it can get traced back to where it would be nice. It’d be nice to say, and that’s what [he] did.” 

It’s like being a father in general to your kids. You pass something down to them and you hope it’s the right thing, but that’s what you want. I guess they call it carrying a legacy, I guess. I don’t fully understand it, but that’s what it sounds like.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1b: “It just brings me joy. I got to see it, I think it was yesterday or the day before I got home from work, and he’s sitting in his playpen, and I come around the corner, and instead of putting his hands up on the side of the playpen to stand up, he just stands straight up for a couple of seconds in the middle of his play pen. I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, you’re standing.’ I was like, ‘Good job.’ I’m clapping my hands, and he started clapping, too. He’s learned that in the last week or so. He understood that what he was doing was a good thing. It makes me really happy.  I was getting emotional because it was very cute. My daughter’s up on stage. She’s singing her song. But my wife is bawling her eyes out. She’s so emotional. I was like, ‘Are you okay?’ Just knowing that I help create a kid, I guess, and I’ll get to help raise something and do my best to make it a great person, to be the best they can do whatever they do.” 

Denver Respondent 2.2a: “Well, I’m telling myself that I regret that. I regret It’s a life experience. I’m not married, haven’t been married. I’m getting older. I’m 39 years old now, and most women my age are not… I know that I’m running out. So what I think about is, or how I feel is, regret that I didn’t that I never saw the life that could have been. I think children are… They’re one thing in this in anybody’s lifetime that makes a purpose. It gives you a new sense of life. My younger brother Jonathan has two girls, my young nieces. And through that and through just friends with children now, I understand more deeply how a child, raising one successfully as possible, healthily and successfully, is one of life’s greatest things. I understand that. I know that. And so, thinking back on it, I’m disappointed that in this chance that me and Maureen had been given, I didn’t embrace it and see it through, I guess. So, there is regret on my part, too.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “That’s hard to describe. Yes, it’s because I’m going to be a father. At that moment, it was because I was going to be a family. That sense of family is coming in. Now I have a responsibility to take care of this child I’ll for the rest of my life, no matter how old they are, what they do. I feel like it was my responsibility. I’m ready for it. 

…It just hits you like it’s real. Oh, my gosh. That person being made is because of me and the mother of my kid. We made that and we gave it life. It’s your time to shine. 

….Like a big family tree. I’m the base. I’m the root of a new family because you got to start off on the root somehow. I would be the… Physically, I’m not the main start of it. But since I don’t know nothing about my last name or anything like that. And if I create my own family tree, I guess I will go back in my great, great, great, grand, and say, Started off here. Because past me, I don’t know nothing about my dad’s side of the family, even though my dad’s around. 

It’s exciting because I don’t know what the future holds. And hopefully, whenever I start, it can get traced back to where it would be nice. It’d be nice to say, and that’s what [I] did. The family, he’s teaching us about the roots of our family. And I’m like, ‘Oh, I did not know this.’ And if I ever have a family reunion for my kids and it goes back and they be like, you know what? This all started because of [me] back in 2000 and the 2000s. I wouldn’t say it like that. But that would be awesome because it’s interesting. 

It’s new to me because I have nothing that was carried down to me, per se. Again, you know my situation…it’s weird because I’m like, should I care? Should I not care? I always think about this. I care about my son and daughter right now. But do I care about their kids? Because they don’t have kids yet. But when I see them, I might. And then maybe I’ll start hearing about legacy more when I start seeing the chain. Like I said, I’m more of a touchy guy, physical guy. I got to see it to believe it. Like I said, I heard a heartbeat. So, it would be nice to know, you hear me go, ‘Oh, my great, great grandfather.’ Maybe I might be. All these memories have to start somewhere. 

It’s like being a father in general to your kids. You pass something down to them and you hope it It’s the right thing, but that’s what you want. I guess they call it carrying a legacy, I guess. I don’t fully understand it, but that’s what it sounds like.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “It’s euphoric. It becomes high off life because you’re at peace with yourself when you know that you at a point where you could pass down everything you know, where you can raise and you could cherish something, your creation, and you can mold however you want.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1a: “I would feel like, for the most part, it would be just kind of leaving somebody or kind of like a legacy behind me, like, feeling a purpose of. Like you were beneficial to life where you set up somebody to. How would I say it? To pass on what you’ve been through. And a little bit would also be just making my mom proud because she’s always asked, you know, like, if I ever have a baby, she’ll be there to support.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.1: “That’s what fathers do. Fathers protect and provide for their family.”  

St. Louis Respondent 1.1: “I try very hard to make sure that I’m attentive and that I am a provider.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1b: “Here recently, I’ve come more to terms with the fact that the matter is that… Not that I don’t matter, but I have to put myself second or last sometimes. Because if you want to lead and be the apex or the head, you have to take the tail sometimes when it comes to being provided for, being tended to, or being… I have to learn how to take care of myself in some situations or if then for myself, go without.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “And I want to make sure that my son remembers me for being a great father and giving him that foundation that I didn’t have growing up. And that’s why I feel protected when I’m around him, because I know I’m doing my part. I know I’m doing my role, and I’m doing what I want to do and what I need to do. And it just It makes me feel like my dad’s holding me.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “I feel that my part is that I need to protect my family. I need to protect brothers, cousins, mom, dad, glad, especially my own kids, and raise them, and love them, and support them. That’s my responsibility, and it’s a big responsibility, but it’s an honor to be able to do that.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “What am I telling myself? Yeah. Oh, that is my duty, my responsibility, and that I take it seriously.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1a: “At the time, it seemed I could man up and be a good dad.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “If you want your child in this world, and you want to be a part of your child’s life, you got to put your ego and your pride away and your character, persona, whatever anybody wants to call it. You have to put that aside and nurture her because it’s not about her anymore. It’s about your kid. And if you nurture her, your kid going to come out with it like you.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.2: “…you need to be there and support your pregnant significant other, whether it’s your girlfriend or your wife, and tell them how you will provide and love this child unconditional, whether that’s any issue that they will have in life.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3a: “A lot of it is the way you would speak to anyone, but just with women, it would be an extra eye towards protection and to care for them. And just what we call being gentlemanly. It’s just something caring, or little actions to make someone feel safer, feel better.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1a: “What’s important will be probably making sure that not only me but my partner were mentally in a good state. Because I know for a lot of first time parents, a lot of the responsibilities of the baby always go mostly into, you know, women responsibilities. And most of the time all the financial stress or responsibilities is always on the male partner. So in a way putting in my weight of the relationship or the, you know, the baby in order to make the other partner feel mentally free or well is important to me.” 

Denver Respondent 2.2a: “Just make anything available or help make anything needed to raise the child available. The man’s role is important. I fully believe.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1a: “Just [I] have to be that person that’s there for her, protecting her. And if she needs me at any moment, I’ll be there, either mentally, physically, and financially.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “Before their little girlfriend or before their cousin or brother that’s trying to do some dumb stuff, they put their baby mother first and their child. And a lot of women go around thinking that’s how it’s supposed to be. And it is because if you have enough time, you know what I’m saying, to go and do what you do and chop it up and all that and catch feelings, then you should have enough time to sit in the hospital for a night.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “I feel like the woman, she can get into a true spiral of researching and just feeling anxious and worrisome of what’s to come next, how is it going to be, how is she going to raise a child, and such like that. And that is where a man is necessary, especially the father of the child, to be there to comfort her, letting her know that he will be there and he will assist in whichever area that’s necessary to make sure the child is growing the right way in a healthy manner and understand that the child is loved.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3b: “I can protect her, do what I can for her, provide for her. So, I guess, yeah, just knowing that I can take care of what she needs to be taken care of.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.1b: “…It’s presence…knowing that they work so hard and still find the time for you. That’s true love right there. And also [my father] serves as a role model as well. So, I think that’s important.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “I believe that’s the most important for something as large as pregnancy and being in parenthood. Because parenthood, it doesn’t work well when one of the parties is not involved.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.3a: “I try to show my kids as much love as possible. Hugs, kisses, things of that nature. Tell them I love them all the time.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “It has helped me because it made me change my career path. It made me change my whole my mindset because like I said, I will not choose a job over my kids.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.2a: “Just like any parent should be there. If you bring something into this world, you should give it 100 % because your daughter needs that.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.1b: “I would want to be that for a child growing up as well, despite the circumstance.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2b: “It’s put me in a position where I know that… I didn’t realize that at first, but I’ve noticed that it’s something I want to partake more in my kids’ lives, more of their activities.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3b: “Showing up. That’s what it is. That’s what a lot of kids need you to do. A lot of kids don’t ask you for anything. They just want you to be there when they are ready to ask you for something.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “He’s not an emotional person…he doesn’t really let out emotions. You know, he’s very closed off…So I think at that point, like now looking back, that was a moment when I started realizing, okay, he’s not very emotionally there.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “Until now, to my 40 years of age, my dad has never told me he loves me. I know he loves me. It’s just like something that I essentially know about how he raised me, what he does. But never once had he said…And he’s more, like I said, more rough, more… like he doesn’t have no feelings because he doesn’t play around. When he says something growing up, that was it. It was about it. It was like, you’re going to do this and you’re going to do this.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.3a: “Well, yeah, he’s more of a provider-protector. He’s not very… If you’re looking for anything emotional, you’re not really going to get that.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “He’s not an emotional person. You know, he doesn’t. Again, there’s a lot of things he’s told me, some parts of his childhood, but he’s very, you know; he doesn’t really let out emotions. You know, he’s not. He’s very closed off. He can be very hurtful and attacked when he feels slighted in some way, even if it’s not like an actual slight. If he just like, in his mind makes up, like, oh, like, I feel like this person is sliding me. He then will. Will say some very hurtful things. So, I think at that point, like now looking back, like, that was a moment when I started realizing, okay, like, he’s not very emotionally there.” 

I have a lot of admiration for my dad and what he did to raise us, but I think he can be a very hurtful person. A lot of that stems from his childhood. But that doesn’t make it okay, you know? He’s said some things to me, my brothers, my mom, that. That I really. I can’t forgive him for. You know, I lost a lot of respect for him in that way.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2b: “My father has always, I guess, sacrificed He spent the time of being with us to provide. So, he’s always worked long shifts, long hours…It sucks for, emotionally, like bonding-wise. I mean, I’m not saying he wasn’t there. He was there for growing up, but there was also a lot of times where he just wasn’t. It’s a lot of time with me and my mom, but he was there for, I guess, sporting events or whatever, or just going out to the party. He would make his time on the weekends, but everything during the weekend was always just me and my mom for the most part.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: I do it because I want to be a good father for my kid because I didn’t have that growing up, and it’s painful. It hurts. I could relate to anybody who… doesn’t have a father around or lost their father as well. Because I’ve been through the worst of it. And trust me, when something like that happens, families get split up as well. Your dad’s side of the family, and then you got mom’s side of the family. And then you got two different households. You know what I’m saying? And it’s like two different sets of worlds, two different sets of egos. You know what I’m saying? Two different everythings. And it’s like that messes with the kid’s head also. That puts a lot of kids in identity crisis, mentally unstable…” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2a: “We have been childhood best friends since we were four or five years old. We were wrestling partners from 4 to 18, and he was an only child. But his parents went to every wrestling tournament. They traveled the country with us. They took me with their son everywhere. But his parents were always there. And for as long as I could remember, he was just very humble, very respectful. His parents were always together. And just them being present and my father working and just giving money instead of being present and just sending me with somebody else to go, Yeah, I get it.  But my dad was a doctor, and he was never there, so he’s working all the time. More people who make more money tend to never be home or gone all the time.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “I mean, there’s a million different scenarios, but me, personally, my scenario was that my father was on drugs and that he had a lust for women and just couldn’t keep it in his pants. And so, my mom was fed up with him. He got abusive. But he eventually started to change himself over and started to come around, started becoming a man of God. And then his past caught up with him. And that’s because of him not caring enough. I don’t know. I can’t really say he didn’t care because I never really got to sit down and talk with him.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.2a: “Resentful to him being that you’ve taken on this responsibility of being a father and you’re not meeting up to the woman’s standards or people…you’re being lazy, you’re not stepping up to take care of the child. It’s not being a man, and it’s in my eyes.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3b: “These are your kids. These are your responsibility. And again, not that we don’t love them or we’ll take care of them, but you walked out because it was your- I mean, did he literally walk out? More so in the sense of he was kind of selfish in the sense of he was only worried about himself versus worried about the family, only doing things that benefited him versus benefiting everyone else.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.3b: “I wish my father was more in my life, sadly. My father, even though he provided things for me for my entire life, he left my mother. They got divorced when I was six. And he was out of the country most of my childhood, so I only got to see him for a couple of months every year from the age of 6 to 18. I wish that he could have stayed and built and worked as his new life closer to when I was growing up. It wouldn’t have been good for him to be, I would say, more supportive about my passions and interests in life.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.3b: “He was supposed to be a father, someone who is supposed to protect me, and he just brushed me off when I really needed him at that moment in time.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.2b: “I think it’s cowardly and just selfish. Detrimental to the child and to the mother, obviously. But it’s almost better that he’s not in her life, but he should be in the child’s life if he wants to be a dad. 

Orlando Respondent 1.3a: “A coward. That’s the first thing that comes to my mind…When you run away from your responsibilities…” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “I believe that’s the most important for something as large as pregnancy and being in parenthood. Because parenthood, it doesn’t work well when one of the parties is not involved. Mother and the father is necessary in that child’s life so that child can get that love from the reason it’s even being created, the reason it’s even living upon this Earth.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.1b: “Just as much as a baby needs her mom, a baby needs her dad. And I want to do anything in my power to keep the relationship as good as possible so my kid could have a good life.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1a: “I wanted my daughter to have a mom and mom and dad in her life. Just to support her through school and just life.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1a: “In my opinion, with a kid, the kid needs also a father figure and also a mother figure of some sort. They need to learn both. Each party offers different attributes.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “It sucks when you don’t have both parents, man. I know it. I grew up that way. It sucks not having a mother and a father.” 

Denver Respondent 2.3a: “I’ll never give up on my baby.” 

Denver Respondent 2.2a: “I think that the man’s role in an unborn child is to protect and serve the life and livelihood… the man’s role is to be absolutely invested.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “This man would stand up to anyone who has a decision to even think otherwise of having an unborn child be properly cared for and delivered when that time is to come. This man would be totally against any abortion thought processes, and he would be more than happy to assist any type of couple or relation where they would think otherwise or think towards having an abortion and work them through the mental aspect of why they’re even thinking that and try to let them know that this could be a very vital decision to them going forward in their lives. So, they should think twice about why they’re even thinking of an abortion.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1b: “At that point, yes, I was. I was protecting…I was protecting… Yeah, I was protecting what I wanted and what I felt that I was ready for and that I truly wanted to handle and be a role model and a father. And then I was truly protecting the life of the baby that was inside of [her]. And I was also, too, at that point, too, thinking, what an opportunity… Not at the 20, but at 32, I was thinking, what an opportunity for me to show love and care and responsibility, and that I may never be able to do again. I don’t know if I’m able to get somebody else pregnant again or ever have kids again. And we should be grateful for this opportunity, and we should step up and be happy and excited. And so, I was being a strong protector at that point.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “Because they’re trying to fight for their life. Literally. They’re trying to protect the baby’s life for them to be born….Even though they’re not born, but there’s always somebody here trying to protect them.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.2: “I don’t feel that at that point that I’m not being a provider/protector because the mom is making that decision. That’s part of her body. I guess I’m struggling to connect with the child at that point. You want to be a provider and protector for your children, but the child’s not here yet, and might never be here. I guess. So, it’s one of those… At that point, the child is a part of the mom, and I guess I look back to when my wife had a miscarriage, and I never felt like when that happened, I was less of a provider or protector. I wish she wouldn’t have had to gone through that. But you I don’t know the kid. Other than the little ultrasound, it was a blip, it was that.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2a: “Zero [role in protecting the preborn] really, at that point, at least when I’m thinking… It’s just the guy isn’t carrying the baby.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “If she wants to get an abortion…You protect the woman because the woman is, I think, again…What’s it called? The woman is alive and breathing in front of you….The child is not yet born. In my eyes…I think you would defer to protecting the woman, you know, and what you want to do in that right after you’ve had the conversation and you had, you know, all that.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2b: “It depends what you believe. I tell people, in the Philippines, Balut is a half-cooked egg. It’s ready to hatch. It’s like a delicacy. They’re eating a half chicken, half egg. Is that an already born chicken? I don’t know. I’m not sure the answer to that. I don’t necessarily think that I know the answer to that. Now, as a child, they say that the heartbeat developed in a certain trimester and the embryo. How many of us remember being in the womb? I certainly don’t. I don’t remember even till maybe three years old, I’d say, is my first memory. Now, was I a living, breathing person? At one year’s old, yeah, of course. I had personality. Seeing kids grow up, they definitely have some type of rights. But I don’t know if the child hasn’t even been born yet and they’re still developing in the embryo. I don’t know if that’s the same legal rights as a person that’s already been born and whatnot. I don’t know that it should be viewed that way. I think that it needs some type of level of recognition, but I don’t know that it’s the same as a human being that’s already walking around and crawling.” 

Denver Respondent 1.3b: “If the child is physically not present, then how can he provide for it?” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “Protect unborn children? Why? Well, I believe that’s just not… If the baby is unborn child in his family, then I believe he could have some say, but I don’t think he has any final input.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1b: “…Exercising godly qualities and attributes. What God says man or not mankind, but what a man should be to his family, what a man should be to his wife. That’s really where I have to go because I feel like that’s the essence of everything. Because I’m not saying I don’t know if you believe. I have an inkling that you don’t, but if you believe in God, then I think everything has to be checked in with him first. And once it’s checked in with him, his spiritual scriptures, writings, teachings through his manifestations and prophets, what are they saying? What is he saying? And then what do I fit in there?” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “As a man, we are the protectors, the providers. And if we have children, then we’re supposed to be there for them. They were supposed to raise them, especially at the Catholic Church. They tell us we have to raise them in the belief of the Catholic Church. So that’s what they say about that.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.3a: “For me, I’m very strong in my faith, so I read the Bible. Over the course of man’s life, you even go to Adam, you go to Joseph, how he provided for Mary, Jesus, and things of that nature. I just think that’s the natural course of things. I think that’s what God wants a man to do. He even told Adam, he said, your penance will be having to work the grounds until you sweat, bleed. That’s what your punishment will be. So that’s what he said. So that’s what you got to do. And then he told the woman, you have to go to the pain of childbirth and those type of things. So when you kill a baby, you’re going against what he said that you had to go through. That’s another aspect of looking at it as well.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “I believe from the origins of it all, that Christ created us as men to be leaders and to seek to oversee the future of the planet and humanhood and basically the next generation.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.1: “A man’s role is to provide through stewardship of what God has given them, to be the head of the family, to lead in both the spiritual and natural by having that great relationship with God and making sure your family has that relationship with God, which is the first level of protection that we all need.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “This man is certain of what type of values that he upholds, the type of personality and characteristics that he has towards anybody he is around. He keeps his same composure no matter what environment that he is in. It can be a new environment, old environment, family environment. He’s the same type of man that they notice at any point of time. Only he has more wisdom and more understanding.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1a: “It would be being able to make their own choices without having. Without being affected by outside, not voices, but situations or outside. How would I describe it? Outside influences. That’s how I would think about it. Just being able to use your mind and also inject what’s going on with things that you can’t handle.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1b: “A wise man good at decision making, heavy on logic.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1b: “But a real man is somebody who is loyal to his pep like a lion, and he’s going to float like a butterfly’s thing, like a beaver dangerous to be around, and who is going to always share his wisdom and knowledge with the people that he care about and even people that he don’t know or don’t care about.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “That would definitely be the most important for this type of man because every day he is getting into new situations that he may have felt unprepared for. It’s in those situations that he grew from them and understood how to respond and know how to react in case it was to arise to him again. And from there, he can even get a certain type of message being sent to him where this type of man would recall the time he got into that same circumstance and react in the most confident and bravest way possible to respond to that with grace. And to pass from the wisdom to recall how he handled it before. So, this man is constantly seeing how he can be better and understand how life works according to his mindset in a clearer way.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.1a: “I think it’s less about the physical and the dominance and more about the responsibilities and role of being, for me, a good father, good husband, or just a good male person.”  

Phoenix Respondent 2.1b: “I think it’s just that. Being there, being available, Even if it just means listening. Maybe there’s been plenty of times where someone’s come to me and they don’t really need the feedback. 

They just need a vent. Sometimes just having someone to vent to or maybe talk about something with or just to be there is a really important part.” 

Denver Respondent 2.2b: “You can see it look in their eyes. They’re looking, they’re processing what’s happening. They’re processing all the information they’ve seen in their life that’s going to help them in that situation. You can see them mentally acting before anything happens. Typically, these people are going to operate from a north-south pool of good and bad, right and from wrong. They’re known to just help out when it’s the right thing to do.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.3b: “…an individual that’s focused on not just himself, but those around him, their family, your community, and being able to help…” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.3a: “I guess just to see how supportive they are with others around them, whether they’re helping people out in their time of need, even with smaller things.”

Denver Respondent 2.2b: “…somebody [who] has enough physical stature and mental stature and emotional stature to know that they can be trusted, but also to the point where they have enough moral value to believe in themselves and what they want and to not be crossed…”  

Orlando Respondent 2.2b: “But I think a lot of what is missed, especially in men, because of what masculinity is, is an emotional maturity…I think like a real masculine, like ideal father figure…listens…I’m going to instill you with certain values so you have, which is great, but they need to also, you know, listen and hear out the kids.”  

Phoenix Respondent 2.3a: “I think the ideal male role model should be someone who’s responsible, can take accountability, is there for others at all times, whether they need them or just don’t need them in my head. But also not someone that has to make every single call for everyone, let people have their own decision making, but also to almost be there for them no matter what the outcome is.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.2a: “Being masculine or a man in my eyes is like being… One, it comes with a lot of several traits, but it’s like being honest and loyal to your partner.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3b: “Showing up. That’s what it is. That’s what a lot of kids need you to do. A lot of kids don’t ask you for anything. They just want you to be there when they are ready to ask you for something.” 

Denver Respondent 1.3b: “He protects his family and home at whatever cost…Whether that’s a burglar, whether that’s an animal, just someone that’s willing to sacrifice themselves for his family.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.1b: “Masculine is you being a mature man, you leading. If God says a man should lead, that has to be one of the most masculine things you can do is lead.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2b: “I think that there’s a large group of our generation that gravitate towards this very incorrect mentality that there’s some importance in being misogynistic. And it’s morally incorrect. And I think…He [Andrew Tate] sets a bad example for a large group of our generation.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1a: “Because when I think about masculinity, I don’t have an idea of a very strong, burly guy who just seems like they’re rock-hard mentally, emotionally, and intellectually.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1b: “I mean…it’s a man’s world because men really do rule the world. When you think about it, like government, households, politics, corporate America, patriarchal standards or doctrines or ideologies. But it’s when we recognize that and we use that leverage for ultimate leverage. It’s like, okay, grand enough that you are stronger, you can make more money. The world is set up for your advantage in general. But when you take that and you weaponize that to make someone else feel smaller than you or to make someone else feel less than, that’s when it becomes toxic masculinity. 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1b: “I think it’s gotten better in the last few years, but I feel like for the longest time as a man, if you’re emotional or in touch with your feelings or not afraid to talk about things, you were seen as feminine or less of a man.” 

St. Louis Respondent 2.2: “I hate it. I’m not a fan of it. To me, masculinity is not this macho, weight lifting, watching UFC, fighting.” 

Denver Respondent 1.2b: “I think that there’s a large group of our generation that gravitate towards this very incorrect mentality that there’s some importance in being misogynistic. And it’s morally incorrect. And I think…He [Andrew Tate] sets a bad example for a large group of our generation.” 

Denver Respondent 2.1a: “It [being macho] means basically projecting yourself as level headed and the main provider, even though sometimes you’re not that person all the time. So, whenever it’s a stressful situation going on as a macho man, you can say ‘nothing’s going on, don’t worry about it.’ But in the back of the head, that person could be going through a whole lot of anxiety, addiction problems that help with the anxiety and kind of, like I said, pushing those emotions down. You know, some sort of storage and never releasing those emotions and just kind of suppressing and suppressing it until they think they can let it go.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1b: “I mean…it’s a man’s world because men really do rule the world. When you think about it, like government, households, politics, corporate America, patriarchal standards or doctrines or ideologies. But it’s when we recognize that and we use that leverage for ultimate leverage. It’s like, okay, grand enough that you are stronger, you can make more money. The world is set up for your advantage in general. But when you take that and you weaponize that to make someone else feel smaller than you or to make someone else feel less than, that’s when it becomes toxic masculinity. 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1b: “I think it’s gotten better in the last few years, but I feel like for the longest time as a man, if you’re emotional or in touch with your feelings or not afraid to talk about things, you were seen as feminine or less of a man.” 

Denver Respondent 2.3b: “I was raised by women. I don’t believe provide and protect means anything. I don’t believe it has a gender to it. Like I said, I was raised by four women. They provided and protected me as I grew up.” 

Orlando Respondent 2.2a: “I think the one informs the other, and that men have their role in society, and that’s different and unique compared to the role of women in society, but each has their part to play in supporting one and the other, the wings on a bird. So, men have their role as father and caretaker taker and provider and hunter-gatherer or whatever. And it doesn’t absolve them of the responsibility of attending to the home and things like that. So, men have to bring equity and equality into the world and see that our roles aren’t unique and apart from being a father or a worker or a society member or whatever, that it’s all interconnected and that we need to be upright people in every regard.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “I believe that’s the most important for something as large as pregnancy and being in parenthood. Because parenthood, it doesn’t work well when one of the parties is not involved. Mother and the father is necessary in that child’s life so that child can get that love from the reason it’s even being created, the reason it’s even living upon this Earth. It needs to feel that touch of love from both sides because I feel like there was already a spiritual divine connection as the semen and the eggs just united themselves. I feel like even from that moment forward, there was already that connection and bond that was created from all the development of the fetus. And that child is going to need that as it moves along in life.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1b: “I agree. It just means that it’s a male figure because the way that I see it is when it comes to raising a child. You need both parents. You need the father and the mother because males tend to be a little bit more the law of the household. And then the female tend to be or the moms tend to be more of the nature in caring, more of the love support. I’m not saying the parents, the dads, don’t have the law, but it’s just a lot of times it’s not in our nature. We see things a little bit different, more rough around the edges compared to the mom.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.2a: “We need you all more than you know because men can’t do it on their own. We always need women. A man needs a woman because we do not know how to… We don’t know how to be a mother. We don’t know how to show the love and affection a mother does, I believe.” 

Dallas Respondent 2.1a: “But just with my daughter, with her, I just need to basically pay more attention to detail and my feelings because she’s a little girl. She’s going to I’m going to become a woman one day. So, I just need to learn her emotions growing up. And some might need to lean on a mom for certain situations that I don’t understand.” 

Denver Respondent 1.1a: “Because I pass it down. Maybe it’s just because I’m a man and I’m given that knowledge. I guess technically, you give it to a woman nowadays. I mean, women could pass down knowledge as well. But in the role of the men are provided. I do believe that we each serve two different purposes, a man and a woman. There’s, again, physical masculinity. We all have the strength. Majority of men are stronger than majority of women. That’s just a proven fact, physical. So, when the time comes, I’m going to protect. If I have to fight, if I have to do something stronger, that’s masculinity to a degree as But your kids and other people, for some reason, we always look to the man, and it’s just that’s how society is. It could be an internal thing. I don’t know. But we naturally go to the men over the women for advice in life. Now, when it’s emotional stuff, we go to the women. I don’t know. That’s just ingrained in our DNA.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.1b: “I’d probably feel a little uneasy because just as much as a baby needs her mom, a baby needs her dad. And I want to do anything in my power to keep the relationship as good as possible so my kid could have a good life.” 

Phoenix Respondent 2.1a: “I thought it was something that we could do and handle together as a team.” 

Phoenix Respondent 1.1a: “And there will be very difficult times of miscommunication or just because we’re tired, but we’ll have to push through just to raise this child.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.2a: “I believe that’s the most important for something as large as pregnancy and being in parenthood. Because parenthood, it doesn’t work well when one of the parties is not involved.” 

Dallas Respondent 1.3a: “It was an equal share. It was a parents’ role, not divided between man and woman. So, as I see it, they’re the same. It’d be a shared role or at least an equal role between the two.” 

Orlando Respondent 1.1a: “There’s always going to be a two-part process. And so based on that alone, you’re going to have to share equal responsibility for anything up into having a kid or any choices you guys make. You’re going to have to share that burden one way or another.”